The Fellowship of the Shell
by HorseTechie
Summary: What happens when I fill in the blanks on a Lord of the Rings madlib with TMNT references... a very interesting twist!
1. Book 1

**A Lord of the Rings madlib with a TMNT twist...**  
_The original madlib can be found here at http://www.rave.nildram.co.uk/simworld/news.html . Otherwise, the only thing I did to create this crazy parody was fill in the blanks... JRR Tolkien originally created the epic tale, while the webmasters at the SPON created the mablib. The TMNT are also registered trademarks of Mirage Studios._

**Book 1 - The Fellowship of the Shell**  
  
Many years passed in NYC sewers and Leonardo spent his time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Leonardo was raised from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Leonardo hurried to see who it was making such a noise.  
  
Leonardo opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Master Splinter the wizard.  
  
_Master Splinter, is it really you?_ cried Leonardo in delight, bordering on disgust.   
  
_Do not put on the ring!_ warned Master Splinter. _I was not going to_, replied Leonardo.  
  
Master Splinter appeared pale and wan. _You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of Dimension X and was created by the hideous evil freak, the Dark Lord Krang. It will kill you and suck out your soul._  
  
_AAIIEE!_ said Leonardo, _I shall give it to you._  
  
_Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in that magical place, San Diego. They will know what to do with it_, lied Master Splinter. Turning to the window with lightning reflexes Master Splinter thrust his body through it and grasped the shell of a small hobbit.  
  
_Aha!_ cried Master Splinter as he tried to pull the small creature through the now broken window, _How much have you heard?_  
  
_Nothing at all Mister Master Splinter, except all those things you said._  
  
_Michaelangelo_, laughed Leonardo as Master Splinter mangled Michaelangelo's shell, _What are you doing?_  
  
_Begging your pardon Mr. Leonardo sir, I didn't mean any harm by it_, whimpered Michaelangelo, _I haven't told anyone else and I would dearly love to see San Diego_.  
  
Master Splinter gave Michaelangelo's shell one last bap and said _Then you at least shall accompany Leonardo, as shall Donatello and Venus de Milo who are also outside_.  
  
_You complete freakhead, Michaelangelo!_ laughed Donatello and Venus de Milo unmerrily.  
  
Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Venus de Milo and Donatello began the journey to San Diego. Master Splinter had to go and speak to the boss wizard, the Shredder and so would meet the hobbits later. He left them with a cautionary warning, _Avoid using the road and do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs_.  
  
On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark. _Let's go in this tomb_ said Venus de Milo. They all agreed that this was a good idea and got attacked by barrow wights.  
  
Just as the hobbits were about to have their shells removed by the undead fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a gaily-dressed man. He began to sing:  
  
_I am Tom Bombafreako_  
_You naughty barrow wights_  
_I'll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o_  
_On a cold and frosty night_  
_Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo_  
  
The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom Bombafreako. Fortunately. _Let's get on the road where it's safe_ said Venus de Milo.  
  
Master Splinter arrived at the tower of the Shredder the White, the boss wizard. _There is evil afoot!_ said Master Splinter, _There are tidings of badness and stirrings from Dimension X that cause my shell to stand on end_  
  
_So I see_, said the Shredder. _But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where is the ring?_ the Shredder parted his robes, _For I have become the Shredder OF MANY COLOURS!_  
  
_What is this?_ cried Master Splinter, aghast at the naked form of the Shredder beneath his robes.  
  
_Oh what a freak, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on_ said the Shredder, quickly replacing his cloak. _Now get to your room on top of my tower, and don't come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is_  
  
_I hope the hobbits are alright_ thought Master Splinter. _Just as long as they've avoided the road_  
  
On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the dark Foot from Dimension X. _Do not put on the ring_ warned Donatello. _I was not going to_ said Leonardo and the black rider buggered off.  
  
Soon the hobbits arrived at the baping freak, an Inn for travelers such as themselves. Leonardo signed his name as Mr Not-Leonardo to avoid being recognised.  
  
_Greetings Leonardo_ said a hooded man in the corner of the Inn. _I am called freaker by folk, but I am also known as Casey Jonesagorn, son of Casey Jonesathorn. You can call me Casey Jones. I have come to protect you. No evil doers may avoid my sword-that-was-broken!_ and he pulled out a stump of a sword, _If they get close enough._  
  
Michaelangelo said _How do we know we can trust this freaker, Mr Leonardo? I mean Not-Leonardo._  
  
_I think that servants of Krang would seem fairer and feel like more of a freak,_ said Leonardo. _Whereas I feel fairer but look like a freak!_ laughed Casey Jones. _Yes,_ said Leonardo. _Oh,_ said Casey Jones.  
  
Casey Jones led the way to San Diego. On the way the companions heard a sound of hooves, a tinkling of bells, and the refrain of Dancing Queen by Abba, sung by a gay and jolly voice. _Ah!_ called Casey Jones, _It is Vern the elf._  
  
_Casey Jones coo-ee._ said Vern as he flounced off his horse and the two friends hugged for more time than was strictly necessary.  
  
Vern began to impart his news, _Ooh, let me tell you, you wouldn't belieeeeve it. Those naughty Foot are on your trail. What a pullava! Oh no, here they come._ And he was right, for in the distance the forms of the nine Foot were bearing down on them.  
  
_Fly, Leonardo, fly_ said Vern, _Or better still, get on my horse and ride. Ooh what a bother. And don't put on the ring._  
  
Leonardo leapt onto Vern's pink horse. _My horse is fleet of fetlock. They will not catch you._ cried Vern as the Foot caught up to Leonardo and stabbed him.  
  
Sorely wounded, Leonardo escaped the clutches of the Foot and spurred his horse on to the ford. He reached it and crossed, but had to stop, exhausted. The Foot watched from the other side of the river. _Come back, come back, to Dimension X we will take you._ called the Foot with grim voices. _Your shell, your shell, we will bap it with a poker. Oh, and give us the ring._  
  
_You shall have neither the ring nor my shell_ screamed Leonardo as he fell off the horse. _ Nothing can stop us now except the very river rising up against us_ said the unlucky Foot as they crossed the river which then rose up against them and swept them away like Foot-shaped leaves in a river.  
  
Leonardo woke up in San Diego's intensive care to see a familiar face smiling down on him. _Master Splinter, is it you?_ he murmured. _Indeed it is, freakish one._ replied Master Splinter kindly. _You have been healed by the elves of San Diego_ said Master Splinter and went on to describe what had befallen him since last they met. _But how did you get away from the tower of the Shredder?_ asked Leonardo. _I escaped_ explained Master Splinter inadequately. _Also I went to look for that pathetic creature Baxter Stockman. It was he who first held the ring and was corrupted into the weasely little freaker that told the evil Krang of its location and e'en now seeks it again._  
  
_It was a pity_ said Leonardo, _that the little runt Baxter Stockman was not slain earlier._ Master Splinter sucked on his pipe for a few moments and concluded _Yes it was indeed a pity. Baxter Stockman is a worthless snot_.  
  
At the Council of San Diego the free peoples of Middle Earth gathered together to decide what should be done.  
  
A tall man of the south called Rat King spoke up. _You should give the ring to me and I will become ruler of the world. Did I say that out loud?_ and he sat down sheepishly.  
  
A short stumpy dwarf called Raphael said _You must destroy this weapon of Krang_ and he set about whacking it with his axe, which was a bit inconvenient for Leonardo as he was wearing it round his neck at the time. _Stop this foolishness_ said Master Splinter. _Krang has heard of hobbits and NYC sewers at last and wants the ring back. But it will corrupt any of us who wield it. We must destroy it in the fires of Mount Freak in Dimension X where it was created. There shall be nine of us on this dire mission, to match the nine Foot who ride. These nine shall be myself, Leonardo for the hobbit folk, Casey Jones and Rat King for the men, Raphael for the stout dwarves, Vern for the girly elves and Michaelangelo, Venus de Milo and Donatello for cannon fodder._  
  
And so the stout band began their perilous journey to Dimension X. They tried to cross the mountains but it was a bit snowy so they turned back. Casey Jones said _Krang's shell has grown long indeed if He can throw snow at us all the way from Dimension X._ Master Splinter agreed, _His shell has grown long. We cannot go this way, we must go another way. A way that I have walked before but the memory of it is evil._  
  
_What way did you walk?_ asked Venus de Milo _Was it worse than the way you walk now?_ Master Splinter set Venus de Milo's shell on fire and continued, _We must go through Moria, the abandoned Kingdom of the Dwarves!_  
  
_I will not go through Moria_ gnashed Rat King, _What does the ringbearer say?_ Leonardo thought for a moment, _We should go through Moria_ he said. _Who gives a freak what you think? Give me the ring and I shall destroy all before me and become King of the World! Kneel down before Rat King, HAHAHAHAAAAA!_ Master Splinter began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Rat King along.  
  
At the doors of Moria was a sign. It read **Speak freak and enter**. _Hmm_ hmmed Master Splinter, _But what to speak?_ Casey Jones ponced up to the door, _Aside gnarled one. I have reforged my sword-that-was-broken. It has been mended anew. No mere door shall stay my sorcerous blade, wielded by my awesome sinews. I shall smite it thus! And thus! And... oh no I've broken it again._ And he began to cry. _You are an utter freak, Casey Jones_ said Master Splinter. At that the doors opened.  
  
_All you had to do was speak the word **freak** and it would open_ said Raphael. _That figures_ said Vern gaily, _You Dwarves are a bunch of freaks. We are not!_ Raphael growled back.  
  
The fellowship entered the dark empty halls of Moria. _Be very, very quiet_ commanded Master Splinter _No Venus de Milo, don't juggle next to the well/burglar alarm!_ But it was too late as Venus de Milo dropped his juggling balls and unicycle down the well. _You freak of a Venus de Milo!_ said Master Splinter, kicking him in the shell.  
  
_We must be swift_, intoned Master Splinter as the knob on the end of his staff began to glow, _Follow me and my glowing knob. Did I say something funny Donatello? Right, I will lead you from danger into the light._ he said, walking into a room full of orcs. _Oops!_ said Master Splinter.  
  
_We must run from this place_, cried Master Splinter, turning to see the rest of the fellowship disappearing into the distance. Master Splinter ran after them.  
  
Hotly pursued, they reached a great stone bridge over a mighty chasm. The horde of orcs stopped. Casey Jones, who was hiding behind Vern's prancing form, strode out. _Ha ha! They are afraid. Afraid of Casey Jonesagorn and his sword-that-is-knackered! See how they cower before my manly chin._  
  
Then a most monstrously hideous creature with a disgustingly awful visage, leapt over the thronging throng of orcs. It filled the cavern with its loathsome bulk, its unwholesome face contorted in a ruckus of bestial rage.   
  
_AAIIEE!_ mentioned Vern. _A Rahzarog is coming. We are all going to DIEEEEEE!_  
  
_This is a foe beyond all of you._ said Master Splinter, _Fly you freaks, fly!_ Master Splinter turned to see that again, the fellowship had already hopped it. As the pig-ugly Rahzarog smashed Master Splinter through the bridge and into the abyss, Master Splinter thought bitterly _ Actually I could have done with a bit of help._  
  
About a mile from Moria, the fellowship stopped running. Casey Jones was hysterical. _They're going to get us and cut our shells off. I'm too beautiful to die._  
  
Vern minced forward. _Tell you what. The Elven forest of Lorien is near here. We could stay there until things blow over. They're a lovely bunch of boys._  
  
_That is not what we say in Gondor._ growled Rat King. _Then you are freaks in Gondor._ said Casey Jones, _I've spent many a gay night in the company of the Elves._ No one sought to challenge him on that.  
  
In Lorien, the fellowship were made very welcome and were given magical pastel-coloured cloaks with lovingly sewn-on sequins and black leather SS caps to stave off the cold in the coming quest. Leonardo was asked to come before April o'Neil, lovely Queen of the Elves. She was beauteous indeed. The very sight of her caused Leonardo's shell to swell.  
  
_Greetings, my little Leonardo._ said April o'Neil, _I have a gift for you._ And she gave Leonardo a hot wasabi pizza.  
  
_Thank you, my lady April o'Neil._ said Leonardo when he got his breath back. _Whenever I am cold and lonely, the thought of that hot wasabi pizza will sustain me._  
  
The fellowship left the glitterball-infested forest of Lorien. _Oh dear_ said Michaelangelo, _ Are we going to that 'orrible Dimension X place Mr Leonardo?_ Leonardo considered a moment and said _I need to think about this by myself. I will go up on that hill to think alone on my own without anyone else._  
  
_I will go with you._ said Rat King.  
  
On the hill, Leonardo was in deep thought. Then Rat King appeared. _Give the ring to me Leonardo and I will use it to be King of the Universe, get loads of money, girls and drugs, get loaded every night and destroy utterly, anyone who gets in my way_ he said. _I'm sorry Rat King but I can't help but think you might misuse it,_ replied Leonardo. _That does it._ yelled Rat King, unsheathing his sword, I'm going to slice your shell off. Leonardo became alarmed at this and put on the ring. He disappeared from sight.  
  
_What have I done?_ cried Rat King. _Leonardo, you have misunderstood me. Come back!_ Then Casey Jones appeared, _What has happened here?_ he asked. _Nothing, honest._ said Rat King _May I be shot full of arrows if I'm not telling the truth._  


**The end... for now!**  



	2. the Cast

the Cast Crossovers 

**TMNT**

Leonardo

Master Splinter

Michaelangelo

Donatello

Raphael

Venus de Milo

Krang

the Shredder

Casey Jones

Vern

the Foot

Baxter Stockman

Rat King

Rahzar

April O'niel

Dimension X

San Diego (was Tokyo)

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**Lord of the Rings**

Frodo

Gandalf the Grey

Sam 

Merry

Gimli the dwarf

Pippin

Sauron

Saruman the White

Aragorn/Strider

Legolas (for the most part)

the Black Riders/Ring Wraith

Gollum

Boromir

Balrog

Galadriel

Mordor (very evil place)

Rivendell (very good place)


End file.
